She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
