Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
