I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
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