Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
