I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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