Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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