Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
The uberlube is also flammable
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
