Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
