I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize