If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
