meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
he shaved USA in his pubs
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
