life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
