How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
