TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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