Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Randomize
