If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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