proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
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