can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
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