If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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