I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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