He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
