her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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