At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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