I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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