Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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