Im at strip club and am horny
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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