Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
