I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
