My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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