Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
