I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
