Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
