Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
is it fun? or sober?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
