i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
