All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
my phone needs a breathalizer
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
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