I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
