my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Randomize
