Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize