Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
How does it feel to date your dad?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
