I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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