a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
