this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
