The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
