Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
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