Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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