Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
