Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I want to be your penis for a week.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
