She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
im holly from the hills drunk
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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