does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
cat food counts as protein by the way
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
