i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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