You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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