It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Randomize
