i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
