So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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