Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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