from now on my penis is your penis
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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